Fleas!

As many of you know a few weeks ago one of our cats gave birth to kittens (all you females can pause (or paws if you prefer) here to say "awwwwwwwwww"). However seeing as the cat is exceedingly stupid and will not let a human near her she had not been treated for fleas for a long time. Also she had not yet been fixed, hence her ability to bring these tiny future human hating cats into existence.

So... guess what else she gave us besides illegitimate kitties...FLEAS!!!!! That freakin' cat couldn't have been in my house a total of a week before the little beasties started tearing into our flesh! I guess I am going to have the exterminator out to kill the fleas...maybe he can do the cat while he is here too....hmmmmmm. She is the cat Jezebel of the neighborhood! If my cat were a hooker she would be the crack ho' kind that no self respecting guy would touch, the kind that you see get busted on COPS and go, "I think I just threw up a little, in my mouth."

What...ooohhhh, you don't want him to kill the cat? Did the cat bring thousands of blood sucking parasites into your home? Listen, this cat exists solely for my amusement. You disagree? The cat fulfills no other purpose, it does not guard my home like a dog (we already know it runs from any human), it does not provide any link in the food chain either as predator or prey, it does NOTHING...nothing except reproduce. And answer me why I should continue to put forth time and effort, not to mention money, to support a cat that will not let me near it? So yeah, the cats a goner! As soon as I can get my hands on it, it’s off to the pound!

In the mean time I am cursed to fight the never ending battle of the flea. Fleas are about the second most annoying animal in creation, I will need to have a lengthy conversation with GOD someday about exactly what he was thinking when he made the flea, I would also like to know what he was thinking when he made the Chigger and the duck-billed platypus (c'mon the thing looks like the outcome of a few too many drinks at duck and beaver frat party!)

I have sprayed our room for fleas 3 times now and the things keep coming back, but I have found a new stress releasing past time and ultimate revenge on the minute Draculas, try it at home its fun!

First you will need fleas; you can provide your own or have them imported by your household pet. Next you will need a sink full of water. Lastly you will need to be slightly demented.

The instructions for this game are simple, you simply walk through an infected area of your home, when you find a flea or two on your legs walk to the sink of water.

Pinch a flea off of your leg and, holding him tightly in your fingers, put him UNDER the water. Fleas have a tendency to float so it may take more than one try to get him to stay under but be persistent, it’s worth it. Once you have your flea under the water's surface sit back and enjoy the show.

You minuscule pal will begin to freak out in his new aquatic home almost immediately. Common symptoms include swimming aimlessly, thrashing about, twitching, cries for help/mommy, and death.

Best of all you can keep using the same sink of water for return visits adding new friends to the mix all along. Soon you will have quite the little graveyard with dozens of fleas frozen with little scenes of horror on their tiny fanged faces.

I find it helpful to show the new flea his predecessors fate before introducing it to him directly, I want him to know what is about to happen. I want the blood in his veins to run cold, you know why...because it’s my freakin' blood!

As I write this I am sure there is some flea nancing back and forth in my bedroom rallying all the other fleas to action shouting in a tiny high pitched voice that no matter how many cans of raid may come their way they can never take their FREEDOM! He might even be wearing a kilt! now that’s a picture... a flea in a kilt. I'm willing to bet you didn't wake up this morning and think to yourself, "by the end of the day...I'm gonna have a mental picture of a flea in a kilt!" If you did...seek help, really.